Oh my poor back!

Hello friends,

I searched my mind for a suitable title for this blog but the pain in my lower back restricted my imagination and so there you have it..... the back gets the title!

I have to say it was the most ridiculous thing to do.... How can you sit on a piece of gym equipment leaning slightly backwards, with both feet at waist height and then leaning over to the side to a two year old child, reach across and lift her onto your lap.... without doing yourself an injury?
Wait, I'll qualify that question, how can you do that without injury unless you are in peak condition and under fifty? (Unless you are either forgetful of years... or deluded!)

The consequence has been a badly torn set of large muscles in my back from ribcage to pelvis.... Which has caused me a great deal of discomfort( on many levels) and food for thought.

My local (and extremely trustworthy) holistic osteopath, Angus, struck a chord when he asked me what I believed the injury to be about. At first I suggested my usual response to back pain, which is a feeling or a belief of 'lack of support'.

The longer and more deeply we talked, the brighter the light bulb began to shine into the dark recesses of my very soul. Aha, this is not actually about support,in fact I am very well supported on physical and spiritual levels ... but this is far more about the issue of trust. (And, I'm not talking about trusting angels, or God, this time)

By the time we reach mid to late adulthood it is pointless to carry on blaming the past (over and over again) for our behaviour patterns and our insecurities. I'm sure that very few of us have had what we 'think' is a perfect childhood, (even though it was - at some level - perfect for us, or can fondly look back to our parents knowing that none of their own issues leached through their parenting skills into us. But although it may have valid reasons how long can we go on using that as an excuse?

There comes a time when we have to fully accept personal responsibility of every thought, word, action and outcome for our own life. Yes, of course the things our parents, partners, friends, siblings, workmates, teachers etc etc did and said have left deep rooted imprints in our memories. This will have translated into behaviour patterns and belief systems which form who we are... and if we keep going even further back to previous lifetimes we will be adding all of that 'stuff' into the personality mix as well.

And so, there comes a time... Doesn't there?... When we have to take a long cool look at who we have become and, without any blame or guilt, accept who we are. Then, in truth, love every bit of us, warts and all, including the things we would like to change.

Now, here comes the bit about 'trust'.

After a lifetime of 'learning' that it may be difficult (for whatever reason)to fully trust other people... how about recognising that the reason for this may be a lack of trust in ones-self?

Now before you cut me off in a flurry of indignation reaffirming that you are completely trustworthy, impeccably honest, and never in a million years would you knowingly let anyone down (without good enough reason)... I'm talking about trusting yourself with yourself.

How many times (honestly) do you make a promise to yourself, and then break it? But I'll bet that breaking a promise is an anathema to you!
Do you ever agree with yourself to give something up, but don't?
How many times do you make a decision to take better care of yourself,(i.e. more sleep, better food, less alcohol etc) and then don't?

All the above batters the self-esteem. Did you know that?
How can we feel so unimportant that we are unable to keep promises to our self? I don't know the answer to that. Sadly, I admit that I seem to do it all the time. But thanks to a back injury all that is changing as of now!

What a revelation, after all these years to suddenly realize that it is time to learn to trust myself.

Certainly I shall continue to try and be as reliable and dependable to family and friends as I have always been. I have been born with a soul mission to serve, and nothing will change that.
But, now I am beginning to understand that I must also serve my body, train my own mind, and nurture my own soul. Others may help... and they do, for which I am truly grateful. But my sense of fierce independence and 'need to please' has become back shaped (no pun on pears now please!) and it is time to listen to it!

Can you trust yourself?
Be good to yourself too. Next time you tell yourself you are going to do something, do it! Don't make a promise to yourself that you may not be able to keep.... you wouldn't do that to a child would you? And the child within gets just as disappointed.

Well I'm off to sunny Crete tomorrow, so I promise myself I am definitely going to rest my back in the afternoons... oh and allow the inner child to experience kept promises!

Lots of love,

Chrissie